Saturday, January 9, 2010

the everywhere of nowhere (pt 4)

“What did you do to get kicked out of the family? My wife left me because I wouldn't stop doing coke. I spent everything we had on that shit.” The third man says shaking his head, reveling in his disappointment.

“Must we hear about your filthy drug problem. I know I certainly don't care and I'm sure our friend, who was almost a king, doesn't care about your provincial habits.”

“Who the fuck are you? Nobody has the right to talk down to me. Especially not another dirty bum. You ain't no better than anybody.”

“I am certainly not a common bum like yourself. I am a man of refined taste and high intellect. I just happen to also be a man of leisure.”

“My ass. You're a bum like me. We both sleep on the street. We're the same.”

Things between Bumsworth and the third man are reaching a breaking point. Bumsworth fearing the third man's anger moves towards Horatio, stands slightly behind him, and grabs a hold of his shoulder.

From behind Horatio, Bumsworth goes on the offensive. “I'll have you know that I am a great friend of this man.” Leaning in, he whispers into Horatio's ear. “Sorry, my good man, what was your name again?”

“Name's Horatio,” he responds looking at the third man who's beginning to fidget as he tries to suppress his rage.

The third man extends his hand to Horatio. “Nice to meet you Horatio. I'm General Butler Sparesomechange.”

Still behind Horatio, Bumsworth starts in at Sparesomechange. “As I was saying General Whatever, I'm sure you're no real General anyway. I am a personal friend of Horatio, the man standing before you, who was once almost a king, and that makes me more than just a common bum like yourself. By the way, I am W.J. Bumsworth III.

Sparesomechange has had enough of Bumsworth's attitude and steps towards him. Horatio moves out of the way and takes a few steps in order to escape the inevitable. Sparesomechange and Bumsworth are nose to nose, filled with rage.

“I've had all I can take of your crap you candy ass motherfucker. If you say another word I'm gonna kick your ass.”

“I should have guessed that a common filthy animal like yourself would resort to violence. But be warned, I am a trained pugilist. If you know what's good for you, you will kindly walk away and go smoke some crack.”

“I've never smoked crack in my life you fruit.”

Bumsworth reels back a few steps and then charges the General, sending a weak and meaningless blow to the jaw of Sparesomechange, who grabs Bumsworth, holds him in place before pushing him a few feet away.

“I am a man of God and he doesn't want me to fight, so just shut the hell up and stay where you are.”

Bumsworth remains where he is and looks to Horatio for help, while Horatio smokes and idly watches the whole thing unfold, the way all human drama does.

“I am sorry, my dear friend, that you had to see me lock horns with this dirty thug. How about you and I retreating to your home and forgetting this terrible night?”

“I should probably get out of here before this fruity bum calls the cops on me and I spend the night in jail. Horatio, man, do you think you could lend me some money for a place to stay tonight. I swear it's for that, nothing else.

Horatio looks over at the two of them, shaking his head. His despair quickly turns into rage.

“Both of you, come here,” he commands. Like obedient children, the two step forward.

“You damn fools, have you learned nothing? Is this what your lives amount to? Look at yourselves, a couple of beggars is all you are. I have no home. No money. No wife. Nothing. I sleep on the streets the same as you, but because I don't beg or ask for charity you assume I have it all and that I'm ripe for the picking. Here then, take it! Take all I have left!”

Horatio reaches into his pockets and pulls out wads of napkins, paper, condiment packets, cigarettes and what not, throwing it at the two men, who are standing rigid, shocked by Horatio's sudden emotional outburst.

With pockets out turned, Horatio, breathing heavy, a string of spittle hanging off his lips, kicks what was the contents of his pockets at Bumsworth and Sparesomechange, then storms off.

“What got into him?” The General says to Bumsworth.

“I'm not sure, but you obviously said something to piss him off.”


“Of course you, I didn't say anything.”

“What about . . .?”

“Never mind that. You want any of this stuff.”

“I'll take the mustard and I guess the paper.”

“Fine.” Bumsworth says to Sparesomechange while picking up the cigarettes and some of the napkins. “He seems like an alright guy, I hope he gets some help.” Bumsworth concludes.

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